Consequences
by Joan Milligan
Summary: Shinji Ikari killed his father: and then what?
1. Prologue: A Man's Fight

Consequences: A Neon Genesis Evangelion fic

**Disclaimer: **NGE © Hideaki Anno and the Good Guys at Gainax.

Author's note: Takes place directly after episode 18.

Dedicated to all Gendo bashers out there. May you all develop chronic diarrhea.

  
Prologue: A Man's Fight

" Increase the LCL pressure. I don't have time for childish petulance."

And these words –

Shinji knew what they meant. He didn't need to know the specs or understand the process, indeed he was past all of that, but he knew what _that_ meant, the cool, weary dismissal in his father's voice, the lack of anger – the _lack _of – he was not afraid of his son in the greatest fighting machine known to man. He wasn't afraid of the machine, because it was his son piloting it. And he wasn't – never afraid, always in _control – _

"No, Father! No!" But he shouted it so many times and had never been _heard_ through that mental and flesh monstrosity and the suffocating plugsuit, "Why did you make me kill him!" It was kill or be killed, his father had said, kill or die, kill or die –

Blind to all in front of him – the screens, the Geofront – and suddenly the plugsuit _was_ suffocating him, and everything went red as blood, and he had never felt so trapped in his life.

_Kill or die._

_Kill or die._

He was inside the monstrous Evangelion and he _was not safe_ and there wasn't a power in the world –

_**Kill or die.**_

_With my own hands!_

The pressure –

_I told him not to push me!_

Kill. Or. Die.

The Evangelion lurched forward. He had seconds. Seconds were enough. Enough. Enough –

_Enough enough enough enough enough – _

Kill or die. His father has _said_ as much –

"Why did you make me _kill _him!" Then, with a roar, the hand came forward. The restraints were nothing. He had seconds, seeing only red. Seconds to _move_, seconds to _destroy_, seconds to shatter the restraints, shatter the walls, bring it down, bring it all down, _kill_ or _die_ –

Until he could see the bridge itself.

_Kill or die, Father._

_Kill or die._

_Kill_

_Kill._

_**Kill.**_

At some point the redness stopped; the lights went back on; the pressure stopped; the power ran out of the collapsing Evangelion, effectively trapping the mutilated body of its creator under the mighty hand that pinned him to the wall. But Shinji didn't hear the screams until much, much later.

* * *


	2. Chapter Two: Unfamiliar Walls

Chapter One: Unfamiliar Walls

_  
This ceiling is unfamiliar, _Shinji Ikari thought.

And it was.

He was in a cell. There was a bench, a sink, a chamber pot, and a big, gray door. Locked. There weren't any windows.

Inside of the sink there was a little bit of water.

There were guards outside of the door.

There was a uniform neon light.

Shinji lay on his back and crossed his hands under his head over the thin pillow. He wore his usual clothes. He remembered wearing a hospital gown at some point, but that was vague and fading fast.

He was certainly not wearing a plugsuit.

He didn't know what time it was.

If he looked outside through the bars on his door, he could see the guards. There were two of them and they both wore NERV outfits. They were only lightly armed, which was to be expected since they were only guarding a fourteen years old boy behind a large slab of a metal door. He could see a little bit down the corridor and it was dimly lit and featureless.

Shinji lay on his back, then lay on his side.

His eyes wouldn't close. He wasn't sure why. He put a pillow over his head, even though there was no real noise to block out. He tried to imagine that he was in Misato's apartment and trying to keep out Asuka's voice shouting at him to make breakfast.

But every time he tried that her voice kept changing to horrible screams.

_I killed Father,_ Shinji Ikari realized, staring at the wall next to his bed.

**Killed.**

**  
**

The uniform neon light went out and turned on again. Twice.

Shinji ate a gray meal, and somebody replaced the pot while he slept. He slept when the light was off, and when it was on he stared at the wall.

_I'm fourteen,_ Shinji thought, _can they put me on trial? Will they put me on trial?_ His fingers opened, and clenched.

He was not calm. He was not worried either, happy or hurting.

_Father is dead. That means I don't have to do what he orders me to anymore. I don't have to be afraid of him anymore. It means I can't hate him anymore._

_Can't hate._

_Can't fear._

_Can't do._

His heart started to pound. Sweat began gathering over his eyes, cold sweat. Shinji breathed. The air in the cell was dank and wet. His fingers twitched, and he angrily stopped them. Being angry frightened him, white fear, cold fear. He looked down on his hands, and pulled them back, and around his body, cautioning himself. _Don't be angry – don't be – _

_I mustn't run away, _Shinji began to think, then realized there was nowhere to run away to.

**Nowhere.**

**  
**

Lying on his side, face away from the door, he overheard the guards talking.

"How's the kid?"

"Sleeping, daydreaming, I don't know. He's so damn quiet. Jerking off thinking about vivisection, for all I know."

"You shouldn't be so set against him, Hamato."

"Why on earth not? You realize for months we've been letting a psychotic teenager pilot the greatest fighting machine ever made? He was supposed to be protecting us, for God's sake."

"He did protect us."

"Just because Commander Ikari kept him on a leash, I bet. The things I heard about this boy. They say he keeps running away from piloting, the he's always whining about it, never even cares if we all die. If his father hadn't – "

"I've heard some pretty harsh things about the father, Hamato, they say Commander Ikari left the kid when he was small…"

"Well, does that justify murder!"

**Justify.**

**  
**

Shinji jumped from his bed. He leapt across the floor. He slammed his hands into the steel door. He grabbed the bars. He tried to shake them. He shouted. He shouted:

_"You don't know anything about my father! _He left me! He doesn't care about me! He only wants to use me! My father hates me! He's cold, and cruel, and evil! He made me kill Toji! _You don't now anything about – !"_

"Whoa, whoa, kid!" The guard shouted back at him. "Settle down, what, you want to kill me too?"

Shinji fell back.

**Kill.**

**Nowhere.**

**Justify.**

**Kill.**

**Kill.**

**Kill.**

_No._ He sobbed. _No, I'm not a killer!_

"By the way," the guard continued, in a more amicable tone. "I thought you'd want to know what you're not accused of. The boy in the other machine survived."

He did something terrible then. He turned back and walked from the door, and left Shinji Ikari alone with himself.

* * *


End file.
